Ten Things the new My Bloody Valentine Needs to Not Suck

Whatever is going to happen in the new My Bloody Valentine has already been signed, sealed and delivered. It is what it is. I think it’s got tons of potential, but being the die hard fan I am I can’t help but hope that they will keep the elements that made the original such a classic. I think these key components are guaranteed to keep us old fogies happy!

1. Keep the characters adult – Looking at the cast on IMDb, I see they are using older actors (well, older by Hollywood standards), but I also hope they keep the whole affair mature. One of the great things about the original was that a slasher featuring downtrodden grown-ups working in a coal mine was a unique angle.

2. Don’t forget Hollis – Besides using more mature actors, the character of Hollis (played by the late Keith Knight) may very well sum up what it is about MBV that made it so damn fantastic – likeable characters. Hollis was by far my favorite character in the film. An overweight and fun loving soul, he added that touch of realism to the friendships of the men working in the coal mine.

3. Location, Location, Location (i.e. keep it dreary) – The depressed atmosphere of MBV helped to propel the movie into that dark vortex that made it a classic. Gray, chilly days and a small community hall for a party gathering only accented the dead end world TJ had to return to.

4. Take it seriously – No more post-modern horror/comedies please. Seriously. They don’t work. Keep a sense of fun, but don’t belittle the whole affair with half-cocked insults and bitchy dialog. Nobody buys it.

5. Create a good legend – The story of Harry Warden’s descent, along with the reveal of the killer’s motivation, is chilling stuff – let’s not try to do what the remake of Black Christmas did. Don’t over think it. Keep it simple and scary.

6. Don’t skimp – Fans of the original have been clamoring for an unrated cut featuring all the gore since the move was originally released. The remake can help make up for that. And that leads me to the next one:

7. Don’t Over Do the CGI – Nuff said.

8. Respect the real thing – Don’t betray the original audience by making MBV something it’s not – which goes back to my post-modern horror/comedy diatribe. We’ve already had to endure the massacring of Black Christmas, Prom Night and April Fool’s Day. I’m not saying don’t create new storylines, but know the original worked because it was a GOOD concept.

9. All horror movies need a good ballad – OK, I feel spoiled because the theme song to the original is so out of this world! I’d love a new folk song about the legend of Harry Warden. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

10. Make it in 3D – Oh wait! They’ve got this one nailed!