My Favorite Slasher Victims

We all have our favorite slasher victims.  These poor souls never make it  to the closing credits but they do entertain us before their date with death.  I didn’t include victims from the major slasher franchises simply because those folks get enough attention on other sites.

My Bloody Valentine: Hollis (Keith Knight) & Mabel (Patricia Hamilton).  Hollis is one of the most likable characters in all of slasherdom but that can’t save him from Harry Warden.  He’s a loyal friend who tries to make peace when his buddies fight over a girlfriend.  His death brings new meaning to the term “getting nailed on Valentine’s Day”.  As for sweet old Mabel, you just don’t expect to see kindly old grannies gutted with a pick-ax and cooked in an industrial clothes dryer.

Prom Night: Slick (Sheldon Rybowski).  Slick is one cool guy.  He has a bitchin’ van, scores chicks with his winning personality, and keeps his pot stash hidden in school books.  Unfortunately, Slick can’t drive worth a damn.  He runs the Shaggin’ Wagon over curbs and off a cliff which is why he’s on the list.

Deadly Intruder: John (Danny Bonaduci).  This is the most interesting guy in a rather dull slasher.  John seems to suffer from a serious case of the munchies because he’s eating something in almost all of his scenes.  John meets his fate when the killer dwarf tosses him head first through a tv set.  I have to admit I cry every time I watch John’s death scene . . .because I’m laughing hysterically.

The Initiation: Ralph (Trey Stroud).  You know Ralph is doomed because he’s the comedy relief.  Ralph acts like a goofball but he’s really just trying to hide his insecurities from his college buddies.  Unlike most comic relief characters, Ralph does have a love scene with his girlfriend.  And then he gets shot with a spear gun.  But, hey, at least he doesn’t die a virgin.

Humongous: Donna Blake (Joy Boushel).  Donna is supposed to be the film’s major eye candy but she’s really a much deeper character.  The other characters treat her like a dumb slut, but she’s a sweet, nurturing girl who ends up dating  the wrong brother.  The most amazing thing about Donna is her breasts.  I don’t mean the size, you pervs, I’m talking about how she uses them to gather food and warm up a fisherman suffering from shock.  These breasts aren’t just for show, they help feed the hungry and heal the sick.  Sadly, Donna’s breasts don’t shoot bullets otherwise she might’ve made my favorite survivors list.

Killer Party: Big Bee Boy (Jason Warren).  Bee Boy is very similar to characters Warren plays in  Screwballs and Loose Screws, a couple of 1980s teen comedies from Canada.  The major difference is Bee Boy suffers death by spear gun.  The worst thing the characters in the comedies have to worry about are detention and expulsion.

House on Sorority Row: Jeanie (Robin Meloy).  I like all of the ladies in HoSR, but Jeanie is a maverick.  While the other girls wear revealing dresses to the big party, Jeanie is the only one brave enough to rock out to 4 Out of 5 Doctors in a pants suit.  Nothing says “on the prowl” like an outfit resembling an over sized pair of pajamas.

Final Exam: Coach (Jerry Rushing).  Jerry Rushing has lived an interesting life.  In his youth, Rushing made a living running moonshine in the hills of North Carolina.  His adventures in bootlegging were later made into a tv show you might’ve heard of called The Dukes of Hazzard.  Like Coach, Rushing enjoys shooting things with a hunting bow.  Unlike Coach, I’m pretty sure Rushing would’ve taken out the killer with his first arrow.